A sequel to the Vagina Monologues? An off-beat adult musical staged in a disused church in Stoke Newington? What surreal arty happening am I banging on about now? Well, sometimes life is more important than art.
Men of a squeamish disposition, turn away now. Unless you know a female friend/partner/mother/sister who would like to know what to expect after you've had three abnormal smears. Yes, this is my first non-culture blog but even if only one woman's worries are eased, it's worth it.
I'm a worrier by nature (get it from my dad) so I immediately thought "cervical cancer" when I received my third consecutive abnormal smear result. Of course it doesn't mean any such thing but now we all know Jade Goody's story you can't help but think the worst. After all she was only 28 when she died.
So, a not-particularly-cheery-me was to be found in the waiting room of Chelsea and Westminster's gynaecology outpatient department on Tuesday afternoon. Well actually, that's not strictly true. Because the form I'd had to sign on arrival made me laugh. As a journalist I've signed some consent forms in my time but this one topped the lot. Would I agree to the capture of digital pictures of my cervix which would be reproduced elsewhere? Seems even cervixes have copyright issues these days. They'll have their own agents next. Cervix available for interview and photo shoot!
By the time I'd told my lovely friend (with me for moral support, bless) about this, my name was called. Lovely friend took out her tome of a book, preparing to bed in for what she thought would be a couple of hours. The leaflets give no indication of how long a colposcopy examination lasts. It was all over in twenty minutes and that included a biopsy.
It's funny how praise can make you relax. Gorgeous smile, amazing eyes, great bum....lovely cervix. Yes, the nice lady doctor actually uttered the words of the title (not the other compliments I hasten to add) once I was under the bright light and in focus on camera. And I was flattered. Clearly I don't get enough compliments.
I'd already been asked by the lively Brummie nurse if I wanted to see my cervix on the big screen (WTF? Why not give me some 3D glasses, Avatar-style, while you're at it!). But the flattery encouraged me to turn my head towards the monitor and bloody hell, there it was. Magnified a thousand times. It was a massive pink plate with a tiny hole in the middle. Eurgh.
I've never been one for perving at inner organs. When a medical procedure is on the telly I switch over. During a childbirth video in biology class at school I fainted. But once I'd got over the shock it was rather fascinating. The cervix is a strong muscle and essentially stops the womb from falling out and other things (infections, sperm) getting in, so it was weird seeing a functional part of me.
I watched as the doctor stained it with iodine and lo....there was a white patch of abnormal cells. Tissue the size of a freckle was then snipped to be sent off to the lab. I'm not lying when I say it felt like nothing more than a small pinch. Being a complete wimp I'd already mentioned that I might need local anaesthetic if they took a biopsy, especially as it was the week before my period when you're most sensitive to pain. But I hardly noticed it. Perhaps helped by the two painkillers I'd taken an hour earlier (top tip).
I should know the result in two to six weeks. I'm hoping I only have CIN1 which is mildly abnormal cell change and often cures itself eventually. The worst result would be CIN3=cervical cancer. I'm putting it to the back of my head for now. Worry gets you nowhere.
So if you're dreading a colposcopy appointment, don't. Or if you need to make one but haven't yet, just book it. Now! I walked out grinning, happy that it was all over so quickly and practically pain-free. Try and plan a treat to look forward to afterwards. Lovely friend and I took ourselves off for coffee and cake on the King's Road. Yum.
Oh and please ask if you have any questions or worries and I'll try to answer them. It really isn't that bad.
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